Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Pervert? Or Just a Guy? (1 of 4)

I get emails all the time from concerned wives asking if their husbands are “perverts” because of such-n-such. And I take each email very seriously, because, as I guy, I understand my gender all too well! I can sympathize with what goes on in a guy’s mind and body. But, as a guy, I also know the justifications we use for our “guyish thoughts” and how we hide behind “being a guy” too often and we say or even think, “It’s okay because all guys think this way.”

Question at hand, “Is my husband (boyfriend) a pervert or just a guy...?”

Well, that’s a somewhat complicated question, but I will give it my best shot! Okay, so if your man wants to look at porn (see other women naked) he is just a normal guy! All guys, heterosexual guys anyway, love the female body and desire to see it naked. Now, simply wanting to see porn and actually looking at porn are two different things. Not only are there many degrees to porn, and frankly I am not well versed on all the kinds of porn available, but I know that there is what’s referred to as “soft” porn, and then there is “hardcore” porn. I know that some “soft” porn is almost like instructional type videos created to help teach couples how to have a better sexual experience. Although I have never watched a single porn video with my wife, I have heard couples say that it was helpful in the beginning. I am not saying that I promote that, I am just saying.

I have been vocal about this in many of my relationship blog posts through the years and my opinion remains the same. I do not think watching porn as a couple is a good idea; obviously it’s not a good idea when alone so I am unsure how it could be a good idea when together. I think robbing a bank by yourself is wrong, and still wrong even when someone agrees to do it with you. I am just big on monogamy (a relationship being between two people only,) even though I myself struggle with wanting to see porn just like most guys do. I just don’t see how anyone, maybe it’s just me, could watch another person have sex and it not create some disillusionment, disappointment, lust, jealousy or some weird expectation or some other not-so-helpful emotion. Again, I just don’t find there to be anything beneficial to porn in a monogamous relationship.

All that said ladies, do not freak out if you find out that your man has looked at porn! Seriously, this does not make him a pervert! He is not necessarily a bad guy. You only make it worse to make him feel like a sick pervert.  And you definitely do him no favors to withhold sex from him because of it. That’s actually the stupidest thing you could ever do! If that is your “punishment” for him when he disappoints you, I would stop that immediately. That is just counter-intuitive and very harmful to the relationship, you are not punishing only him, but you are hurting your relationship in the process. He is a guy, and just like he can’t understand the emotional things you wrestle with, you cannot fully understand the sexual things that he wrestles with, and honestly he doesn't even fully understand it. 

I am a guy who loves Jesus very much, I love my wife of 20 years, and I have often prayed this prayer, “God, can you take this insatiable sexual desire from me?” and like he told the Apostle Paul, He says to me, “Timmy my grace is sufficient for you.” I would encourage you to be sympathetic and supportive in helping your man with his sexual struggle rather than condemning him or judging him for something you just can’t fully understand.


Side note: Him looking at porn has nothing to do with you. I know, that doesn't make sense, but it’s just a fact. I've had women tell me, “I feel like he has had an affair on me.” And I understand that, but him looking at porn is about him, not you. You can be beautiful, you can be keeping him busy in the bedroom, and yet he still wants to look at porn. It’s not about you! I promise, trust me on this. Again, doesn't make it okay, or any less hurtful, but it’s just not about you. I am not trying to be trite here either, I know it's hurtful, but I am just saying, your not the reason he wants to look, it's because of being male, among other things that should be discussed in a safe environment. Be that safe place for him, he will love you all the more for it.

*This blog post is a result of countless emails and hours and hours of counseling couples over the last 15 years. Many couples wrestle with sexual issues and in the Christian community especially it's a hush hush thing, and that's not good. We should be talking about this! I do not claim to have all the answers. I only know what I know and feel what I feel. I share from my gut and from my personal experiences as well as my counseling experiences. I truly hope to help couples have a better relationship by sharing!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for addressing this issue Timmy. Men are very visual and I truly believe woman do not understand this. I agree with you, porn will erode the relationship over time. Thanks for being bold enough to address this subject.