Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Role of Feelings in Dating Life

Feelings are important, but you can't trust them to be your only guide to finding Mr. or Miss Right. We all know people who 'had' that loving feeling to only get divorced 6 months later. I think you need to have that "tickle in your tummy" with the person you are thinking of spending your life with, but there is more than just that.

I am a hopeless romantic type ... I believe in the kind of love you read about in novels and see on the big screen! Yes, I believe it can and does exist! I believe that 2 people create it and should be writing a love story worth watching on the big screen! Though there are other things we should use as our guide when single and dating alongside our "feelings."

1) Know what you like.

When you know what you want this protects you from being led away by your feelings. I encourage people to have a list. Now don't pull it out during the first date, but have one, know what's on it, refer to it.


2) Know what you don't like.

Too many people settle. And this is what leads to all sorts of problems, including divorce. I can't tell you the number of people I have talked to who said, "I knew I shouldn't have married him/her ... but I thought I could change him/her ..."


3) Find out what your friends feel?

Sometimes when you feel so in love you become blind to glaring red flags. It's always good to ask those closest to you for their insights. Ask them, "What do you think?"


4) You have a brain, so use it.

When I was dating through my teenage years and on into my early 20's I dated a lot of girls who gave me tickles in my tummy, but when I met my wife, 21 years ago now, I had more than just the tickles in my tummy. She had other characteristics that were on my list ... things that were important to me in finding the person I would be spending my life with. We were compatible, and that's huge.

We've all heard it said, and it's so true ... "Love is a choice, not a feeling!" And though this is true, let's be honest, it's nice when the feelings are there, and it sucks when they are not!


FINAL THOUGHTS

Be smart when dating. Listen to those around you. Listen to yourself. Don't allow the "tickles"to make you ignore things that are clearly broken. And don't settle for someone you don't have feelings for simply because they are a good person ... there needs to be an attraction. Be good, be safe. You will find love, I promise!

Monday, September 15, 2014

Nagging is Bad


nag1
nag/
verb
  1. 1.
    annoy or irritate (a person) with persistent fault-finding or continuous urging.

I met with a couple a few years back and the main issue they were having was that the husband was a nag. He was constantly finding fault in his wife. I know usually the woman gets labeled the nag, but we all know that men are just as bad as women when it comes to nagging.

Nagging is a relationship killer. Why? Because nagging your partner is like physically beating them, but it's just emotional abuse rather than physical. We all would come to the defense of someone who is being physically abused, and rightfully so, but the emotional abuse that comes from nagging is just as harmful and damaging to a relationship.


SIGNS YOU ARE A NAG


1) You find fault in your partner more than you praise them.

In my opinion there should be 90% praise, and maybe 10% fault finding in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is littered with praise, blessing, positive, high fives, laughs, good things, smiles, and happiness ... even in the midst of difficult situations.

Everyone wants to hear more about what they are doing right than what they are doing wrong.

Disclaimer: This doesn't mean you ignore real issues or concerns, but if you always have issues and concerns with your partner then you are a nag. I suggest you look for the things you love, rather than the things you don't.


2) You fight a lot.

Fighting is normal, and even good in a relationship. Though if you find that you are fighting most the time, something may be wrong.


3) You don't laugh very much.

Something is missing from a relationship where there aren't lot's of laughs. Life is tough and the one place you should have happiness is at home.


A LITTLE EXTRA FOOD FOR THOUGHT

One of the dangers in a relationship where there is constant nagging (fault finding) is that the person who is being nagged is longing for someone who will appreciate them as they are and will help to bring happiness to his/her life.

I've seen many partners walk away from a committed relationship because they were just tired of the emotional abuse. They just couldn't stand it one more day so they walked away, and felt liberated when they did. Again, it would be just like someone who was being physically abused walking away in to a life of freedom.

Everyone deserves to be loved, just the way they are, warts and all! So if you are single, don't dare marry someone you want to change or fix! That is not fair to them. You must love them, all of them, just exactly the way they are, period, and if you can't do that - walk away. If you are married (in a committed relationship) stop fault finding! Seriously! You are killing your partner little by little. Not only that, you are sucking their will to live - especially with you. Be the kind of partner that provides a place of peace, comfort, love, joy, calm, happiness, security, laughs, smiles and all the other happy vibes the world needs more of.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Lost That Loving Feeling?


Love isn't just about tickles in the tummy, but it's important to have them for the person you are in relationship with. If you are in a committed relationship what do you do if you lose that loving feeling?

I have heard way too many stories of couples losing that loving feeling, then throwing away the marriage because of it. You can get the feelings back! It's a fact! But, the things I recommend are not things you 'try' they are things you 'do'. It has to become your way of living. It's a relationship lifestyle change that must be permanent ... the 'new you'.


1) THINK of your partner in positive ways.

Sometimes when the loving feelings have left we can't help but think of our partner in a negative light, but just refuse to think of the negative and think of the positive. I realise that there may be situations that make this very difficult, but do it anyway.


2) TALK of your partner in positive ways.

When you speak of your partner, speak well of them. Don't slam them or gripe and complain and be all negative. Make sure to compliment them often. This will help you begin to appreciate them once again.


3) DO the things you would do if you had those LOVING feelings.

Feelings follow action! So ACT like you do have the feelings, and you will have the feelings! You don't have to feel like writing a love letter to actually write one. You don't have to feel like saying, "you are beautiful" to say it. You don't have to feel like buying flowers to stop by the florist to buy some. Just do it.

Seriously, I don't understand that we have rules we live by in life, but we don't apply them to our relationships. For example, you don't only go to work when you feel like. No, you go because you are committed and you have a job to do. You don't only change a diaper when you feel like it. No, you change it when it needs to be changed. You see, we should live this way in our relationships ... be committed to LOVE, then love every day for the rest of your life!

They say, "The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, it's greener where you water it!"

Bonus Point ...

4) Give lots of KISSES.

Kisses make everything better! Lot's of physical touch is important to get the feelings to return. Making each other "feel" good physically are always helpful.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

No Drama

Someone asked me the other day, "When you were dating around what were you looking for?" And I started pondering that question and within a second or two I blurted out, "A no drama girl!" There were of course many things I was looking for and not looking for, but this was a big one to me because I value peace.

I think this No Drama deal rolls over into every other area of life too; work, home, friendships, school, family, and of course marriage. I think most people would say, "I don't want drama!" But you wouldn't know it by the way they live. They seem to thrive on drama.

So there you go, if you are in a relationship and there is some drama, it's either them or you ... figure it out and resolve it. And then decide to have a No Drama Rule installed in the middle of the relationship.


EXAMPLE:

It's fun watching my 2 teen kids interact with friends, especially as they date. I see things and think, Oh goodness ... drama! For example, my son doesn't say "Hi" to a girl yesterday in school, now she is all upset and won't talk to him. Drama!

Let's not act like Junior High students in our adult relationships. So when your wife doesn't say "Hi!" to you when you first get home, don't start slamming dishes around in the sink. It's all okay, you just say "Hi" first! Boom, resolved! You are welcome!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

There is HOPE

There is Hope from MERCY CHURCH on Vimeo.

This is our first sermon in our NEW church building given on Sunday, August 17, 2014

Is Physical Attraction Important?


"How important is it to have the tingly feeling when I meet someone?" I was recently asked.

I think it's very important to have the tingly feeling when considering a potential partner. It's nice to have the tingly feeling in your tummy about a person. Love isn't just a calculated decision we make and then live happily-ever-after like a robot. To me the physical attraction is the icing on the cake of love. I have had just cake, and it's good, but cake with icing is even yummier.

You must understand that the tingly feeling isn't the most important thing, nor is it something that should be ignored. It has it's place, and when in it's proper place is good. You can't build a lasting relationship on it, but again it's nice to have present in the relationship. I mean let's be honest here, many have left a marriage because they had lost that loving feeling ... so it matters. It's important for me to note also that the tingly feeling is something that can develop over time, and it's also something that if lost can be rekindled easily.  

The bottom line for all you who are dating is - don't settle for someone you aren't just crazy over. Now I didn't say someone who makes you crazy, ha ha! But you should have a strong physical attraction to the person you are considering spending your life with. You deserve it and the other person deserves it too. I mean let's be honest here, I want my wife to get the tingly feeling when she looks at me or thinks of me... I would not like it if I was just a calculated decision someone made ... I want them to be crazy about me.

Here is where people go squirrely: When they are in a committed relationship (marriage) and the tingly feeling leaves - so they leave the relationship. That is dumb. Feelings are fickle and shouldn't be trusted and definitely shouldn't be something you live your life by. Ultimately you and I are in charge of our feelings, or we should be, not the other way around.

The challenge in Marriage is cultivating the tingly feelings! Constantly making sure we are keeping the flames hot and burning! It takes work, just like starting, building and maintaining a real fire. 

When you are dating you meet people, and you either have the tingly feeling when you hang with someone or you don't. You can't really make yourself love someone you just meet. Well, you can kinda, but I am not sure we live in a culture big on arranged marriages, though they have been known to work, but ... just rent and watch Fiddler on the Roof ... it says it all. Most people do not want to be told who to marry (love), they would rather marry (love) who they want for themselves.

If you are already married you must cultivate a culture where tingly feelings grow. Simple as that. 

  • Feelings follow action!


If you are single, date until you find someone you get that tingly feeling for, then continue to explore that relationship with all the important things that make for a lasting healthy committed relationship. 

  • Their Character. 
  • Their Values.
  • Their Physical traits.
  • Their Religious views.
  • Their Philosophy of life.
  • Their work ethic.
  • Their Goals in life.
  • How they treat you. (I meet way too many people who are with someone who mistreats them. I don't get it. Well I know why, but I still don't get it. They do it because they feel they do not deserve better. They have a low opinion of themselves, therefore they accept the poor treatment.  It's a reflection of their self-image.)


And all the other things that are important for you in a the kind of partner you want to spend your life with ... if it matters to you, then it matters!

Leave a comment, ask a question ... I would be happy to address!  

Friday, August 22, 2014

Favorite Coffee in Kansas City

I have some pretty heavy blogs coming up, and have done some pretty heavy blogs recently so I wanted to lighten it up a bit with a list of some of my favorite Coffee Houses in Kansas City.

Timmy's Top Ten List of Coffee in Kansas City

10) Downbeat Coffee House (Just off the Plaza)
9) City Market Coffee House (River Market)
8) Quay Coffee Cafe (KC, MO) *A great cup of coffee
7) Westport Coffee House (Westport Area) *Love their iced-coffee
6) Black Dog Coffee House (Lenexa, KS)
5) Groundhouse Coffee (Gardner, KS)
4) Broadway Coffee House (Westport Area) *Best Chai Tea Latte
3) Roasterie Cafe (Brookside) *It's all good here
2) Little Freshie (17th and Summit) *A great cup of coffee
1) Kaldi's Coffee (The Plaza) *It's my favorite place

Honorable mention: Oddly Correct Coffee Cafe on Main St. in KC, MO is amazing too ... even though if you like cream and sugar you'll need to bring your own. They don't have it, and it's because they want you to get the full taste of their coffee ... I get it, but I still like a little cream and sugar.